Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
