3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
