I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
