Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
