you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
