I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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