Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
