if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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