I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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