how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
