I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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