if you like me you must not know who I am
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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