my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A bitchslap is in order.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
