1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
