Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
