There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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