I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You made out with two different species that night
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
