so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
