she was so not down for the gang bang
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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