i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
