So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
