hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
