did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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