You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
