Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
