so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
