I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
