even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
