I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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