Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
