my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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