Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
