you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
