In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
