I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Let's paint friendship bongs
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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