how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
