Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
