Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i came on her dog
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
