she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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