Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
