Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
