Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
