I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize