He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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