no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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