how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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