i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
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Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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