My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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