i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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