i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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