When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
