He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
