He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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