Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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