I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
