The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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