Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
